Mordo and Rig's Day Off
by TheBooksofEli
Summary: What would anyone give to get off of work? Well, these two know! Mordecai and Rigby just "called in sick" for the day while Benson heads to a convention, leaving the house and the city under their will. But even with this victory, Benson, CJ and Eileen still have their suspicions.
1. Chapter 1 - Calling In Sick

****DISCLAIMER****

No one can replace such a perfect movie as this...NOT EVEN I. So let's cut to the chase - I DON'T WANT ANY ANTI-PLAGERISTS OR COPYRIGHT PEOPLE GETTING ON MY CASE ABOUT THIS, **I DON'T OWN THIS PIECE OF MOVIE GOLD, I AM MERELY MAKING A CROSSOVER OF ONE OF THE GREATEST MOVIES OF ALL TIME.**

* * *

**Chapter 1 - Calling In Sick**

It begins with the radio on. The K.I.L.I.T. Radio station just finished it's 6:00 AM morning jingle. Then the broadcast starts...

"It it a _beautiful _day in Los Angeles today! Temperatures expected to reach the upper 70s, right now 75 on the lakefront, 74 at midway, 73 at South Pasedina, and now - up in the sky-"

"Wake up, dweebs." Starla was waiting in the doorway. "Seriously, Mordecai and Rigby, rise and shine. Oh no. **MITCH!"**

Muscle Man hustled upstairs. "What is it, babe?"

"Who else?"

"Oh, right..." Muscle Man felt embarrassed. "What's the big deal?"

"The big deal? For Pete's sake, look at them!"

"Guys?"

"They say they don't have a fever but they're saying their stomachs hurt and they're seeing spots." Starla looked back up at Muscle Man.

"Starla, don't put up with this crap. They're legit posers...you know that, we ALL know that, besides, they're not even a little hoarse or sick AT ALL."

"Wisen up, Mitch. I used to raise and babysit my siblings and other people's kids." Starla looked up at the room's open space. "But I just can't understand why the'd always cry when they look at me, like, EVERY TIME." Then her eyes fell back down to both of them. "Whatever, just feel their hands, they're cold and clammy."

"You're right! What's up, guys? That Italian food last night?"

At the same time, Mordecai and Rigby leaned up.

"We're fine. Let's get up." Mordecai stole the words right out of Rigby's mouth.

**"NO!" **Muscle Man and Starla both put a hand out to them to keep them down.

"We've got work to do." Rigby interjected.

"NO, BRO." Muscle Man pushed Rigby back into his bed of rotten, dirty clothes.

"We have to finish-" Mordecai started, but the hand on his chest kept him down.

"We have to do our jobs so Benson won't get on our cases like he always does." Rigby finished Mordecai's defense.

"Just rest. You're not gonna get it from Benson if you're sick. Besides, he and the rest of us are leaving to his park manager convention, and he needs all the support he can get." Starla reassured.

"Oh, what's this?" Eileen walked into their eyesight. "Yeah, what's THEIR problem?" CJ walked beside Eileen.

Starla slowly turned around with the "what's-it-to-you" look in her eyes, "They're not feeling well."

"Yeah right. Dry that one out you can fertilize the lawn." CJ snapped.

"CJ, is that you? CJ? I can't see very far. CJ, CJ, I-" Rigby reached out and consistently blinked for the desired effect then fell back into the pile.

"Bite the big one, genius." CJ threw back and simultaneously tapped the side of her lips.

"Thank you, CJ, now you both get in the van." Mordecai winked at them.

"Wait, you're _letting_ them stay here?" Eileen took the floor.

"Eileen, please don't get upset with us. You both have your health. Be thankful." Then Rigby made the hush sound as inaudible as possible and groaned afterwards.

"THAT'S IT. I WANT OUT OF THIS ROAD TRIP." CJ turned to the stairs.

"Alright, we're hitting the hay. We've got aspirin downstairs we'll take around noon."

"Alright, bros, just take it easy, Starla and I can still make this boring trip last. Am I right, Starla?"

"It's nice to know we've both got you two as awesome friends. You're both made for each other." Rigby adeed as a wimpy remark.

"Don't push it, bro."

"MITCH!" Starla gave him a harmless punch in the arm. "You knew how much I like flattery."

"I'm messing with them, baby. Anyway, we'll all be home at 6:00 sharp. If you need anything,.. well, you're screwed."

They walked out of the room with split sides. When door shut, they sat up and looked at each other, looked up and at the same time said...

**"They bought it!"**


	2. Chapter 2 - Ready for Nothing

**Chapter 2 - ****Ready For Nothing**

MTV was on the television. Rigby started talking to himself.

"Incredible. One of the worst performances of our career and they didn't doubt it for a second - well, except for that one time."

Mordecai pulled open the curtains to the window in their room. "How can we possibly be expected to handle work on a day like this?" He looked up at all the white cotton-candy clouds.

"This is our 9th sick-day in the past 6 months. It's getting tough coming up with new illnesses. If I go for 10 I'm probably gonna have to barf up a long one, so I better make this one count," said Rigby.

"You see, the key to faking out the other guys is the clammy hands. It's a good non-specific symptom, I'm a big fan of it." Mordecai continued.

"A LOT of losers will tell you a good phony fever is the deadlock, but, uh, if you get someone nervous, you may end up in the doctor's office - that's worse than working here." Rigby declared.

"First, you fake a stomach cramp, and, when you bent over, moaning and wailing, you lick your palms. It's a little childish and stupid like Rigby, but, so is this dead-end job." said Mordecai.

Rigby heard Mordecai across the room. "_Hey!"_

Mordecai walked across the kitchen. "Life moves pretty fast, if you don't stop to and look around once in a while, you could miss it."

Rigby started up a hot shower. "We both have work today. That wasn't bullcrap. It's to clean out the meat locker, but let's face it, I'm not a maid, I don't plan on being Benson's maid, and who gives a crap if it needs cleaning, it still doesn't change the fact that we don't own a car." Rigby started singing in the shower - much to Mordecai's dismay.

"Not that I care about Antarctic meat lockers, I just don't give a crap about lockers in general. A person shouldn't believe in lockers, they should believe in their own security. I quote John Lennon: "I don't believe in the Beatles, I just believe in me." Good point there. After all, he was the Walrus."


	3. Chapter 3 - Roll Call

**Chapter 3 - Roll Call**

Benson and the gang finally arrived and settled in at the convention. In a separate room, the program director was counting off all the park members.

* * *

"Benson?"

"Here."

"Margaret?"

"Here."

"CJ?"

"Present," CJ replied snootily.

"Eileen?"

"Here."

"Skips?"

"Here."

"Pops?"

"Here."

"Thomas?"

"Here."

"Hi Five Ghost?"

"Here."

"Mitch?"

Muscle Man was preoccupied with Starla at the moment.

"Mitch?"

"I'M HERE, BRO!" Muscle Man snorted back rudely.

"Mordecai?...Mordecai?...Mordecai...Mordecai?" The others looked around to where they were supposed to be, then Starla spoke up.

"Um, they're sick."

"What?" Benson chimed in. "How did we forget about THAT slacker when we loaded the van? No, that's impossible! I double-checked the list! He was fine to go the day before, now, where is he?"

Starla ignored Benson and went on.

"My pookie's - best friend's - soul brother's - girlfriend heard from her boyfriend who knows this gal of his who's going with this guy who saw him pass out at this one Chinese restaurant last night...I guess it's pretty serious."

"Thank you, Starla." The director spoke up.

"No problem whatsoever." Starla responded.

"Rigby?...Rigby?...Rigby?"

Benson grew red with confusion. **"UNBELIEVABLE! We left him too?"**


	4. Chapter 4 - Screwing With The System

**Chapter 4 - Screwing With The System**

The TV was turned on downstairs. Rigby was inseparable from the monitor playing "Last of Us" till his eyes jaundiced over; then the phone rang.

"Rigby, you ok?" asked Mordecai

"Never better," he took a quick glance at all the junk food he's already gone through. "You know we're both in the same house. One-on-one conversations is the normal thing to do."

"That's ironic, seeing I can't get you away from that screen."

"Where're you?"

"I'm on the roof — taking the day off, now get up here," said Mordecai before he sipped into a smoothie.

"I can't, stupid, I'm so close to clearing the college!" Rigby sassed.

"That's all in your head. Get up here."

"I feel like I have to do this, Mordecai, that girl _needs_ protecting, she's too good to die!" Rigby sassed again.

"I'm sorry to her that. Now come over here and drink your smoothie, it's starting to melt."

Rigby ended the call, and proceed to shoot at his dead targets. "I'm addicted." Right after he said that, another call came in, Mordecai again.

"You're not addicted, you were just taking a shower, dim-wit." Then Rigby ended the call with a jab on the button.

* * *

Mordecai started talking.

"If anyone needs a day off, it's Rigby. I mean, he's in deep crap with Benson already for cracking his glass and spilling his gum balls. Shouldn't be so wound up tight with his game cause it'll only make him _more_ aggressive. Pardon my French, but, Rigby is so tight that if you could stick a lump of coal up his ass and twist, it would come out a diamond."

* * *

**_Meanwhile, at the convention..._**

* * *

The keynote speaker was babbling on about the effectiveness of the park manager, nearly putting everyone to sleep, on the other side of the row of chairs, Starla intercepted a call.

"Hello?"

"Is this Starla?"

"Benson? Whu- Benson, we're right across form each other, just talk."

"Listen. You ARE aware that they aren't here, right?"

"Of course I know that. Sorry, I was meaning to tell you-"

"Mordecai and Rigby's "day off" is not gonna fly. I thought I remember asking you to check up on them." Benson started speaking through clenched teeth, completely unaware that Mrs. Maellard was pulling pencil after pencil from her hair for writing notes.

"I did."

"Then you know probably know they don't have an exemplary attendance record for showing up and doing their job, right?"

"That doesn't exist!"

"It does on _my_ phone, [every employee I have], Starla, which is all that matters right now. And according to it, they have an unacceptable amount of missed days."

"No, I, I didn't know about that. Does that matter to me?"

"It should,..." Benson voice raised, alerting his neighbors. "...because I take matters like these seriously. I've been checking these records just now and if those two slackers think they can coast through 6 months without getting fired, they're _SORELY_ mistaken! I have _NO_ reservation about firing them now!"

"This is all news to me."

"It usually is. So far this 6 months they've missed 9 days."

"9 days?"

"9 days."

"I don't remember them being sick 9 times."

"That's probably because they weren't sick. They were sacking when they were supposed to be doing their job. Wake up and smell the coffee, Starla, it's a fool's paradise, he's just leading you down the primrose path."

"I can't believe it."

"I'VE GOT IT RIGHT HERE IN FRONT OF ME! THEY HAVE MISSED 9-"

The noise got so disruptive the keynote speaker stopped and asked from the stage for Benson to be quiet. After Benson looked up at him, he looked back at his records that were slowly changing, Benson stared horrifically at his phone as the 9 dropped to 8,7,6,5,4,3, and stopped at 2 then the phone lost its power.

* * *

Back at the house, Mordecai was back in the computer room, still hacked into Benson's cell phone.

"We asked for a car, we got a computer. How's that for being hired under a bad sign?"

* * *

Benson's fury turned him blood red in the face. He got up from his seat ask screamed at the top of his lungs.

"No. NO." Benson was nearly puffing steam out of his nostrils. Starla's call ended and she looked down the row at Benson, trying to calm him down.

"Look, I can give you every assurance, Benson, that they are both home and both very ill. In fact, Mitch and I totally debated if we should even leave him."

_**"NO!**"_ Benson shook his phone tremulously.

"I can appreciate this time of year how guys like them _are_ prone to taking the day off, however, in their case, I can assure you that truly Mordecai and Rigby are very sick guys, right babe?"

Muscle Man awkwardly dragged in replied, "Um, oh yeah, no doubt, Benson."

* * *

Mordecai was now messing with the keys on Pops' harpsichord, the mix was a sloppy mess.

"Never had one lesson!" he said.

* * *

At the convention, the total 3-hour-of-a-drag speech continued.

"In 2013, Paul McCartney not only released his new album entitled? — Anyone? Anyone? NEW..."

"Ugh, this blows, he's not even talking about park management, Stars, let's just get lunch."

"Count me in," Hi Five interjected. "This speech literally makes me want to come back to life and then kill myself so I can come back and do it over again."

"Same, but, this is for yours AND Mitch's reputation, so we have to respect that."

"Ok, buttercup, just for you." So they turned back to the speaker.

* * *

Meanwhile, at the house (and out of boredom), Mordecai slipped in a mix tape and tried to tap dance to it, but only ended up tripping on his own feet.


End file.
